I sinned against my husband.

Maybe you have too?

It was a normal Saturday morning, and I got up to make breakfast. In my heart, I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to. I had hungry children. As I stumbled out of bed, that’s when it began… the resentment. Why was I the one getting out of bed to cook? I am just as tired as he is, I thought to myself.

As I walked down stairs, it didn’t even dawn on me that I had a choice to be angry. I didn’t even have my radar up that the enemy was attacking our marriage by way of Me.

I had just awoke, without realigning my worldview that morning… my view of my husband… my view of myself… my view of the blessings in my life that God had so graciously given me.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

It was my point of weakness. Tired, not yet alert or fully awake, I was tempted to sin… and I fell for the trap.

Every moment I was cooking breakfast, unloading dishes, I was speaking mean thoughts about my husband and children in my mind.

Have you done this? Oh, it’s ugly to admit.

A pity party had a dance in my head, and the music was blaring. Every response that came out my mouth was just as vicious and ungrateful as the thoughts consuming my mind.

 “Jesus knew what they were thinking, so he asked them, “Why do you have such evil thoughts in your hearts?” Matthew 9:4, NLT

I began allowing the pots and pans to be loudly placed on the stove. The envy of his resting in bed while I worked began to turn into anger.

Then the anger in my heart became loud. I don’t even know what the thoughts were that were going through my children’s minds. They were definitely keeping their distance, I am sure they were afraid to ask for anything, fearful I would unleash the anger on them. Oh how my sin, convicts me now even as I write. I can’t help but be ashamed. This sin, this anger, this envy, it’s ugly, but I think it’s also very human, and unfortunately very normal for women to sin in this way. But, it’s not ok.

My husband came down stairs rested, showered, and smiling. My anger grew even stronger. I’m sure he felt it, but didn’t know why. He asked, “what’s cooking?”

“Eggs,” I reply. But in my heart I want to say, “make your own.”

I was as cold as ice to him. I sinned.

The next 25 minutes, I was near silent, but not really. You know the loudness of anger, even when nothing is said. Especially when nothing is said.

It was loud, the sound of my sin. And it was slowly infecting all who dared to cross my path. Turning their attitudes into ice, just like mine. Cold and mean, uncaring of others feelings, without the spirit of love.

Then I finally got time to shower, as I stood with seven shower heads beating on me, the Holy Spirit reminded me of my baptism. I realized how I feel to the temptation of my heart.

Convicted of my selfishness, I wept. I wept because every day there is a new battle. Sometimes every minute can be a battle of wills. A battle to surrender my will under the headship of Christ’s. A battle to live out the power that my baptism signified… letting my desires and selfishness die. Living for Him in everything, even in serving a breakfast, and especially in my attitude towards those He has blessed me with can be a struggle of wills.

 “I hate vain thoughts: but your law do I love.” Psalm 119:113

Brothers and Sisters, I know that I am not the only one who falls to this temptation. It simply cannot be.

But if we are going to have marriages that leave a strong legacy, than we have to start recognizing our responsibility in the state of our marriage and stop blaming the other. We have to acknowledge that out of our own selfish hearts comes envy, and when we don’t acknowledge it or admit it exists, then the enemy has a tool, an open door for destruction. When we don’t recognize our need for beginning every morning with a perspective cleansing session with the Lord, we have given the enemy an open door as well. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a “normal” marriage. I want to have a thriving one, but it takes work. And that work starts with me. It starts with me, recognizing my part, my role, my influence and impact on how my marriage exists. 

Just so you know, this sin I share with you today, it’s not been a one time occurrence in my marriage. These sins, the sins of envy and anger, they have tried to enter my home on more than this one occasion I give example to.

These sins haunt me, they try to sneak their way into this sacred relationship between my husband and I whenever they get the chance. This ugliness of heart is real, but when we unveil it and expose it for what it is, our sin unleashed, we have begun the first step to having control over it, to living in victory over sin.

It takes us, being responsible for our own sin, our own ugliness, and being humbled by it. Letting that realization work us over and bring us to a place of recognizing our need for a power greater than ourselves to help us have control over this ice monster that lurks around trying to destroy what is good and holy.

Introspection

Repentance

Confession & Apology

Execution of Change

Execution of change is potentially the epitome of the struggle the Christ follower faces throughout life. Living free of sin? Living Holy, Because He who calls us calls us to be holy. “Be holy, because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:13-16 This kind of life living, and any kind of success one experiences in any avenue of life regarding holiness, is only by the power of the Spirit of God living within them. We have to become people who know the word of God so well that we can simply preach it to ourselves when we need reminding and become people of humility that genuinely see themselves who we really are. Until then, real change, executed daily will not and cannot occur. But God has given us hope, in the power of His Son through His Spirit, that we should and can live in the freedom from the bondage these simple everyday battles so easily entangle us.

Accountability

There is a deep and very real need for accountability. When left to ourselves, the human heart can fall, and even the strongest of men can fail the tests that come in this life. This accountability is often not found, because the reality is that many, or most, are very comfortable with authenticity. It requires a level of vulnerability that scares most away. So true accountability doesn’t often happen. I am thankful, and so blessed that the Lord has given me a few good women to whom I can share the ugliest parts of my heart with. Those women, who deeply care, and aren’t scared of realness. Those who I need not even ask to pray for me, because I know their love is genuine and that I am already on ‘their list’ of priorities to pray for.

Do you have these kinds of saints? Sisters? Brothers in Christ? The ones who will give you a hug when you are in sin, right then and there. The ones who don’t become cowards at the face of realness, but engage it with sincere enthusiasm knowing full well anything but realness is a waste of time. Seek them out. Invest in these kinds of relationships. They are vital to the success in fighting this battle of life. They are a joy to experience success with because they know how to rejoice with those who rejoice.

Lord, I pray that you would fill us with your spirit. That we might see the ugliness inside us so we can fight to get rid of it instead of fighting with our husbands or wives. Help us to truly be a team. I pray that we would all recognize our responsibility for change and the power of our influence in our homes and relationships. Help us to be a people who get out-of-the-way so that you can move.

Help us to set aside our selfish envy, pride, anger or whatever sin so easily entangles us and live in the freedom of your Holy Spirit. Thank you for being a God of grace and mercy. Thank you for searching our hearts and loving us despite ourselves. Thank you for sending your son so all we have done and will undoubtedly do lays forgiven at the Cross.

Thank you for giving us one another in the Body of Christ, that we can call one another brothers and sisters and please Lord Jesus help us to act like we are family. Help us to care for one another, pray for one another and take the time to serve one another. For my brother or sister reading this, who finds themselves lonely, without a friend, and in sin, I pray that your spirit would comfort them right now. I pray you would bring one of your sons and daughters into community with them, give them courage to be honest and vulnerable together, that your Son may be glorified. We pray these things in power of the cross. Amen.

In Freedom,

Angie Tolpin

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